Say it loud.

Hi. My name's Ike. I'm adopted. I used to live at a puppy factory in Missouri or something. But last summer they decided not to keep me anymore. So I lived with these people who had my balls cut off and my rotten teeth pulled and they gave me really good food that made me feel a lot better. Then these other people came over and played with me and now they are my mom and dad. They're the only people in the entire world I trust. I know you're probably like "whatever ... the only people," but it's true. They want me to like other people and I guess I'm kind of working on it, but hey, if you were a six-year-old ex-sex worker, you might have some trust issues too.
So I live in Minnesota where they say it snows all the time. Well it doesn't - until recently. And now there's enough snow outside to cover all four of my feet. It's really cold. My mom said that I think the snow is ookie. I think the snow is just really cold and gross and I wish she would stop saying ookie because it makes me sound like a huge wus. I'm not a big chicken-dog, I'm just basically naked and I'm not used to this crap.
I used to like to poop by the fence in the park. Now it's all covered in snow, which really sucks a lot, so I poop on the sidewalk. I hate it when people don't scoop the snow on the sidewalk in front of their houses because it makes me limp. And I think there is a law about shoveling so dogs don't limp. When it's really cold, which it is a lot lately, my mom makes me wear boots. I walk all weird and look like a total dufus, but between you and me, it's way better than walking on the snow. Sometimes, I wear a sweater and an overcoat and I still shiver. I remember when I first came here in July and I would lay in the sun and pant and it was the best. Now it's cold, and I have way too much time on my paws 'cause there's nothing to do.
Oh, and another thing about me. I'm brown. Yep, all you hoity-toity Boston people can kiss my brown ass. I know I'm not "breed standard," and I don't care. I'm brown, and I'm proud.