1. What would you describe as the perfect date for you and your sweetie Martha?
Well first, I would pick Martha up in a vintage Rolls Royce, because she’s a really classy gal, but my mom would have to drive because my legs are too short and then we could be in the backseat together which would be awesome.
Then we would go through the drive-thru at Culvers and get burgers and frozen custard, but no fries for me because I tend to barf them up in cars and I don’t think my mom would want me barfing in an old Rolls. Then we would cruise the town with our heads out the window barking at all the dogs we see so they could see how cool we are. Then I would take her to Cartier and buy her a custom collar with a diamond tag that says her name and number on it and it would be engraved “Love, Ikes.” It would look something like this.
Then I would take her home for a game of bitey face and we would roll and snort on the rug for a while and then probably fall asleep because we would have been awake for like three hours or something. And the next day we would go to
2. You've been asked to design the "perfect" doggie treat, what would you come up with?
The perfect treat would not make me gain weight and every time I take a bite, it would grow back and it would taste like peanut butter and would have non-toxic chocolate on it and when I’m hot, it would be cold and when I’m cold, it would be hot.
3. If you were allowed to get a job, what would you do? How much would you get paid?
I would be a professional mommy and daddy kisser (not like when I was a professional puppy maker though, because that was torture and I would never want to go back to that.) And I think I would have to make $8.50 per kiss and I would kiss a lot so I could pay back my mom’s student loans because then she could work less and spend more time with me and more time with me = more kisses = more money = no more student loans! Man, am I a great guy!
4. Would you choose between a three-month supply of peanut butter and cheese filled kongs OR laying on the couch with your mom for 24 hours straight?
I think I would pick the Kongs, because my mom is really lazy and will lie on the couch with me all the time anyway.
5. If you could tell your mom and dad one thing, what would you say? Why?
Warning: this might be a little sappy.
I would tell my mom and dad that I love them sooooo much and that I am so thankful that they adopted me and that they are patient with me because I am weird with other people but I can’t help it because of what happened to me before and I think it would be called post-traumatic stress disorder if I were a naked ape. I would tell my mom and dad that they are the best when they defend me when people say I’m a freak when I approach them and then get scared and run away and thanks for putting up with my awesome, rank farts and the tongue prints on the couch and when I accidentally poop on the floor sometimes and pretty much that I love them more than anyone else in the whole world.
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