The devil lives in Duncan.

So let me tell you all a little about Duncan because he's not nearly as cool as he thinks he is. My dad named him Duncan because it means 'black warrior' but he's really a 'black annoyier.' He's the lickiest cat in the world and he licks your legs and when I'm eating something really good like licking a yogurt cup, he will lick my face while I do it - hence the annoying part. And he's super weird because he likes to be picked up by the base of his tail - and my mom and dad would never do anything mean so he truly likes it and he gets dingle berries stuck to his foofy butt which my mom hates and I like.
And another thing - he hasn't had balls since he was 8 weeks old so he screams like a girl - a total girl - like a castrato, one of those Spanish opera singers (my mom just told me about that one, good dig, mom!) I had my balls since last summer so I am totally testosteroned out and big and tough and guyish.
And Duncan is always jumping on things where he doesn't belong like on the kitchen bar where my mom and dad eat and he likes to sit on my mom's art deco lamps which really makes her mad because she has been collecting them for a long time and if he knocks them over she will freak out.
And the worst thing about Duncan - he loves to eat human boogers! My mom won't let me tell you how that discovery was made, but it's waaaaaaaaaaay gross so you can't ever pick your nose around Duncan!
And for the record, I don't dress in drag, it's just that I am a really hard sleeper and Duncan thinks he lives in a frat house so he dressed me up and tried to make me pee by putting my foot in a bowl of warm water but it didn't work because I am way too cool for a trick like that. That flowered harness was Meg's and I guess I do have to wear it twice a week when my grandma comes over to let me out because it's scary when she reaches for my head to get my collar because only my mom and dad can reach for my head because people used to be really mean to my head before. But I think of the flowered harness as more of a Hawaiian shirt which guys can wear and really it just exhibits my metrosexuality because I am very advanced.

And this is a non-Photoshopped picture of me looking very handsome.